I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
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