I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
