I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize
