Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
Randomize
