i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Randomize
