When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
You need Xanax blowdarts
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
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