Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
I will be naked everywhere
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
Randomize
