I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
