What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
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