at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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