I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
My life is pants optional.
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