Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
Randomize
