Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Such a big mess for such a small penis
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