i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
