Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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