i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
