i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
