someone threw a dead crab at me
i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
Is it possible to jerk off a nipple?
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
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