I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
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