Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
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