My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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