3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
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