He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
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