I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
