he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
