we're chasing vodka with high fives
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I cut my penus on the lid.
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
Randomize
