she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize
