I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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