dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
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