I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
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