Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
