maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
Randomize
