just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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