Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
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