Only a mothe r could love this liver
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
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I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
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There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
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