On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Randomize
