When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Randomize
