Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
You ate ashes out of my bong
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