I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Randomize
