So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
