Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
