just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize
