My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
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