My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
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