he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
Randomize
