Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
