i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
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