apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
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