He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
Randomize
