I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
