final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
Randomize
