I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
If you can't do the LSAT hung over. You can't do the LSAT. That's the real practice.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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