I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Randomize
