sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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