I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
Randomize
