Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
Randomize
