god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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