I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
Randomize
