Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
Randomize
