Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
