I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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