i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
